I'm Working On It in Therapy by Gary Trosclair

Author:Gary Trosclair
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Skyhorse
Published: 2014-12-31T16:00:00+00:00

DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND MY CONTROL

Irvin Yalom, an existentialist psychoanalyst and popular author, maintains that taking individual responsibility for our lives is an essential aspect of effective therapy. He suggests that when we say, “I can’t” we need to question whether we are really saying, “I won’t”; that when we say, “I did it unconsciously” we ask, “Whose unconscious is it that did it?”; that when we say, “He really bugs me” we get it right and say, “I let him bug me”; that when we say we “find ourselves” in a terrible situation we ask, “How did I create it?”; and finally, that when we hold our parents responsible for our problems we acknowledge that what we are really saying to our parent is, “I will not change until you treat me differently than when I was ten years old.”1 In effect, he’s saying we need to permanently delete the phrase, “due to circumstances beyond my control.”

But taking more than your fair share of responsibility by blaming yourself for things that are out of your control is no more helpful. For some this habit developed early on as a strategy to cope with a painful situation.

In Chapter Two I encouraged you to look deeply inside yourself for the solutions to your problems, not necessarily the cause of the problem. It’s helpful to remember, “The person is not the problem, the problem is the problem.” Whatever strategies you developed to cope are the problem, not you yourself.

THE SPECTRUM OF RESPONSIBILITY: NO, YES, AND THE GRAY AREA

But how do I decide what I am and am not responsible for? For the most part I am going to leave this to you and your therapist to work out, but I’ll suggest a basic orientation, because this will affect how you approach your sessions.

I would suggest that you view the field of responsibility as a spectrum with those things that you clearly cannot control and therefore shouldn’t take responsibility for on one end, and those things that you can clearly control and therefore should take responsibility for on the other end. In the middle is a gray area—things you can’t immediately control, but with intention and commitment can eventually change.

On one end of the spectrum are the passing thoughts and feelings that arise quickly and unbidden. These thoughts and feelings come and go and are generally not subject to our control, so it would not make sense to take responsibility for them. Nor should we try to control them, as they often bring valuable information that may fill out an otherwise unbalanced conscious position.

On the other end of the spectrum is the behavior that we can clearly and immediately control. Don’t throw the tomato soup.

In the middle, the gray area, are behaviors that are difficult to control, entrenched moods (e.g., ongoing depression, anxiety, or resentment), and aspects of thinking that are more enduring (such as beliefs, perspectives, and attitudes). These all tend to grow when we nurture them and die out when we starve them.

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